Hello, Infinity. I’m delighted to meet you but I’ll be honest – I can’t get my mind around you. To me you’re even more baffling than the National Rifle Association, and that’s saying a lot. Can you explain yourself in a few well-chosen words?
A few? Huh! I don’t know where to begin. In fact there is no beginning. And I certainly don’t know where to stop. Are you sure you want to continue with this?
Well, we’re here now so… I’d like to know if you really exist, to start with. Because quite a few scientists say the universe is finite. The Big Bang kicked it off and it’ll end in a Big Freeze. Or a Big Crunch. No one seems very sure but a Big Something will be the end of Everything. I mean, I could suppose that if I’m speaking to you, then you must exist. But can you actually offer me any proof?
Well, if the universe is shaped liked a doughnut, then the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Or to put it another way, if you’re in a bit of the Universe that has a delayed future infinity, then you could look back and see the end of the Universe happening in other places.
Ah, thank you very much, everything’s clear now. Would that be a jam doughnut or cream?
I wouldn’t worry if you have trouble grasping it. After all, you only have 100 trillion connections in your measly brain. Just about enough to handle a basic concept like, I don’t know, a cheeseburger or Donald Trump.
Well, you could say his capacity to astound is boundless. But to get back to our point – are you related to God in any way? Because you’re both quite unfathomable.
Absolutely. In that respect, you could say I am God.
And you’ve granted me an interview? OMG! I thought you only spoke to Tony Blair!
Oh, no, God speaks to lots of people. Or rather lots of people hear God, which isn’t quite the same thing perhaps. But I wouldn’t get so excited. God’s just a name for what you don’t understand, like the origin of the universe. If you did figure it out, you wouldn’t call it God any more. Or at least, you wouldn’t go round quite so much using God as an excuse to kill each other. Not that it would make much difference. You seem pretty good at finding other excuses too.
Right. Well, one last question then, since I have you with me – can you reveal the true nature of everything? Just as a favour, you know? I mean, the biggest scoop I’ve had up to now was Miss Muffet explaining arachnophobia.
Only too happy to oblige. And since your limited brain power won’t allow you to understand much, I’ll put it in simple terms. Now, it all started a very long time ago. A very, very long time. A very, very, very long time. A very, very, very, very long time. A very, very, very, very –
Ah, OK, thank you, Infinity, you’ve enlightened me enormously. I’m infinitely grateful to you, but really I must be off.
A very, very, very, very….