Hi, Carol. Just to clear up something straightaway, when I asked your agent for a picture of you, she said she didn’t have any. Why’s that? Are you shy? Don’t like the way you look? Or you just want to cultivate the mystery?
None of those. I’m an abstract entity, that’s why. I’m just an amount of energy. Specifically the amount it takes to raise the temperature of a gram of water by one degree Celsius.
Oh. So you don’t actually look like this?
Not at all. That’s just how you imagine me because you think I’m responsible for making you fat.
So it’s my fault if they aren’t? Don’t forget I’m also responsible for keeping you alive. You can’t manage without me, you know. Just not quite so many of me, I’d say. Especially if all you do is sit in front of a computer. But whether you go for a or an is entirely up to you. I’m neutral in all this. I’m not even restricted to food – I’m everywhere. There are 7,004,684,512 of me in a ton of coal.
Wow! Explains why I felt so bloated after eating that sack of anthracite.
Ha, ha! The good news is that even a sedentary writer gets rid of about 70% of me just by breathing and thinking. Assuming you do think, that is.
Oh, yes, never stop. That’s cool. But what do I do about the other 30%?
Mmm, think I’d rather forego the burger, thank you. Or maybe go on a diet?
Waste of time. Just eat a bit less and move a bit more. 90% of people who go on a diet put their weight back on within three months. Plus some, in fact, so it’s fair to say a diet makes you fatter. Still, that doesn’t stop people in the UK spending £2 billion a year on diet books, pills and magazines.
We’re not all equal, though – it’s easier for some than for others. Hardly very fair, is it?
Life’s not fair, I’m afraid. But whining burns up even less calories than writing.
Very true. I’d better get back to my novel. Thanks for sharing!