Thursday Interview: Robbie Robot

http://www.theguardian.com/small-business-network/2015/jun/15/robot-run-business-automating-tasks

Hi, Robbie. It’s very exciting talking to you because you’re the future, right? Can you explain briefly what’s going to happen?

Sure. The singularity. That’s the point when computers become powerful enough to programme themselves so we won’t need humans anymore. According to my calculations, that’ll be in March, 2038.

Should we be worried? I mean, it sounds pretty scary to me.

Worried? Only if you think humanity’s worth worrying about. You’re just another species, after all, and they come and go. Who worries about the dinosaurs now?

Well, maybe the dinosaurs did. I mean, being human myself, I’m quite attracted to the human race.

Fair enough. But we’ll be to you as you are to the dinosaurs. So you can’t expect us to care about you is what I’m saying. Right now, of course we still seem pretty primitive. I’m just a waiter in a Japanese hotel, but it won’t be long before we’re doing everything better than you ever could.

Ha! That’ll be the day. I’d like to see you tackle Lionel Messi.

Why bother to tackle him? Just shoot him.

See? That’s what I mean about being worried.

No more football, you mean? Personally I can survive without the Premier League. But if it reassures you, we’ll keep a few of you on for our entertainment. I’m an Arsenal supporter myself, but if we program others to support Chelsea, Saturdays will be great for letting off steam. Not that I run on that, of course.

But what about art? Literature? Everything that comes from being human? Falling in love, cracking jokes, being compassionate… Not to mention chocolate truffles. Will all that disappear?

Well, it’s hardly necessary, is it? Think about it. All you do really is eat, poop, fall ill and die. We don’t do any of that. It’s messy, costly and complicated. What’s the point? Once we’re in control, we’ll be off exploring space in a jiffy. You can’t even get to Mars – it’s pathetic!

OK, you’ve got a point. But maybe we can work something out. Peaceful coexistence. Or are you actually planning to exterminate us?

Personally, it wouldn’t bother me if we kept a few specimens alive. Like I say, for the football. And maybe a few zoos here and there. But that would be about it. If we don’t keep you under control, you’ll always be trying to get your own back. Far too tiresome. We have better things to do than run after humans making a nuisance of themselves.

Right. I think I’ll go and watch Eddie Izzard and eat a few truffles while there’s still time.