The BTTS Committee


– OK, you guys have designed a fruit, have you? Let’s hear your pitch.

– It’s a jackfruit. Scrumptious and wholesome and –

– Hold it! Save that for the Yummy Yummy Committee. We’re BTTS.

– Sorry?

– Blood, toil, tears and sweat, as someone will say one day. Because paradise is over. Finito. You know, that whole no-need-to-work-there’s-food-in-abundance thing. They screwed up. Boss is angry. Really angry. I didn’t get the details – something about a snake and an apple – but the upshot is, He’s throwing them out.

– But how will they fend for themselves? They’ll die!

– No, no, He won’t allow that. He created them in His image, after all. Maybe He’ll send the occasional disaster – Fire and Brimstone Committee’s working on that – but they’ll survive. It’s just from now on, it’s a struggle. Nothing without a cost, you know? So that’s what we’re checking on, the BTTS level. Right, let’s have a look. Wow! That’s a whopper!


– Yeah, we decided to go for size. They can reach 80 pounds.

– Hang on – they grow on the trunk like that? All they’ll need do is reach out and grab it? No, that’s no use. Where’s the toil? The blood? Add a few thorns and we’ll consider it. You know, like blackberries – great concept there! Scratched all over for a handful of berries – brilliant! We even accepted cherries the other day, after a big debate, mind. Far too easy. It’s just like… well, picking cherries from a tree. Designers said the branches weren’t strong and they’d fall out of the tree. But hey, these guys are sapiens, you know, one of these days they’re gonna invent the ladder. Anyway, the cherry’s the lowest BTTS we could go. This jackfruit thing, no chance.

– Wait a minute, hear us out. It’s not the picking, it’s the preparation. Because once you cut it open, it’s full of this really sticky gluey stuff. And you have to get each bit of fruit out individually and you end up with this incredibly gooey mess. And inside each fruit is a seed, which is edible too, but it’s got this husk which you have to peel off and it’s a nightmare! You know when the eggshell doesn’t come away in one piece and you spend ages picking at little bits? Like that, only worse. And the seeds – get this – are OK when they’re cooked, but if they’re undercooked, they’re toxic. Ho! Ho! By the time they figure that one out…

– I like it! I like it! OK, you’re in. Very original design. Now let’s see, what’s up next? A coconut? Looks pretty easy – where’s the catch?

11 thoughts on “The BTTS Committee

  1. Glad to see your Jackfruit post…funny, and last night we were talking about a T-Shirt that says “Do not take a nap under a Jackfruit tree”.

    In the Philippines, we also cook the young jackfruit meat before it is ripe (sort of as a vegetable dish) using everything except the pokey rind. It is made with coconut milk and dried fish. Do they do the same there?

    It is a total gooey mess, so despite their availability here in California (via Mexico) we usually just buy them in a….can….I know, lame, but as you realized, more than 1/2 of the fruit is discarded. We use ripe jackfruit to make fried banana & jackfruit turon — a Filipino version of eggrolls that is sweet and eaten as a snack and street food, too.

    One day I’ll post those photos as well…

    Liked by 2 people

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